Ask Coach KFos: Falling for Bad Boys - Kelsey Foster

Ask Coach KFos: Falling for Bad Boys

by Kelsey on June 25, 2013

This week in Ask Coach KFos: Why do I always fall for “bad boys”?

Kelsey Foster Relationship Advice

“I admit it. As much as I say I want a nice guy, there is just something about a bad boy that I’m just so attracted to. What is that about? Can I re-program myself to kick this habit?”

Dear Bad Habit to Break:

Ah, yes. The attraction to bad boys. I get it, I’ve been in that camp myself.

The reasons we fall for them are many. Partly it’s just pure physical attraction. Tattoos? 5 o’clock scruffy beard? Sexy bedroom eyes? Meow.

Partly it’s the excitement and challenge: Can I tame him? Will I be the one woman he will give his heart to?

And partly it’s the danger that a bad boy represents. He doesn’t give a rats ass about what other people think (at least he appears that way) and that is exciting to a “good girl” who follows the rules.

There are a couple of things to unpack here.

An attraction to a certain look is pretty harmless in and of itself. We each have specific physical characteristics we find attractive in a mate. And there are lots of guys who have that ‘look’ who treat their women with respect. Learn to separate how someone looks from how they treat others.

The trouble begins when we are going after someone with the idea to change him. The idea of the reformed bad boy is one that plays out in movies and books and it’s really a bunch of b.s. that women have bought into. Immediately abandon that fantasy. Take a guy for who he is…don’t think for one hot second your love and devotion will magically transform him into a Prince Charming. It won’t.

The second source of trouble are the feelings of danger and excitement we get by being with a guy like that. I think we can get addicted to the adrenaline rush and fantasy a bad boy gives us. And while it makes sense at 16 to have your boyfriend be the big way you rebel, it gets to be a bit ridiculous over the age of 30.

The solution? Find another source of danger and excitement in your life. Go zip lining, learn to ride a motorcycle, become a lion tamer in the circus…SOMETHING other than using another person to get that rush.

There is a way to be involved with a bad boy that can be fun: A passionate fling with no ideas of it turning into a real relationship. Do this ONLY if you can see him for who he is and you can maintain emotional distance. If you have the slightest fantasy of it turning into more, say no.

And if your bad boy treats you poorly, do NOT stick around no matter how “hot” he is.

If love is really what you are after, focus your attention on the man who has more to offer than the typical bad boy. You can find a man who embodies confident Alpha-male characteristics who can also be faithful and loving. Focus on character over facade.

Do you have a question for me? Shoot me an email at and you might be featured on an upcoming Ask Coach KFos!

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