Ask Coach KFos: Flirting with Danger - Kelsey Foster

Ask Coach KFos: Flirting with Danger

by Kelsey on May 16, 2013

This week’s Ask Coach KFos: How do I stop having feelings for my married co-worker?

Kelsey Foster Relationship Advice

“I have an embarrassing situation. I have a married co-worker who I’ve developed feelings for. It’s more than a crush, I genuinely care about him. And I think he does for me, too. Though he’s told me, ‘I’m married. I will never leave my wife.’…he still not only flirts shamelessly with me, but also calls me during off-hours to just talk. He travels a lot for work so he only calls when he’s away from home.

I know this is a stupid situation. It’s wrong on many levels. I would never let it go beyond flirting but I feel guilty nonetheless because I like him so much. How can I get over him and move on?”

Dear Flirting with Danger –

I am glad you say you wouldn’t let anything progress beyond flirting. Although, what you describe sounds like he’s probably venturing into emotional affair territory. Which to many women, still “counts” for some level of betrayal.

I am also glad you recognize this isn’t healthy for you and you want to stop having feelings and move on. I am guessing that on some level, having these feelings for an unavailable man serves you to some degree. He can never be yours, therefore you never risk becoming vulnerable or truly in a relationship. But you get the side benefit of having someone to moon over, think about, and flirt with which makes you feel good.

Are you still nursing a disappointment or heartbreak from your past that makes a real relationship scary for you? Many times, people who fall for unavailable partners are still afraid to move forward from the past. The unavailable person serves as kind of a half-way house between not dating at all and really putting yourself out there.

Short of changing jobs to avoid him, which really only treats the symptom not the underlying issue, I recommend you take some time to examine your openness toward falling in love. Do the work on yourself there and you will want someone who CAN be with you.

Oh…and tell Mr. Danger to keep the communication only to business hours. No good will come of you conversing late at night when he’s lonely in a hotel room.

Let me know how it goes! xo

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